confusedsadlonely's Blog

All I've ever wanted in life was to get my education, get married, have children, and be happy. But it all seems like a distant dream now. I've always thought that my parents were happy, the happiest family ever. I was wrong. they are miserable. our family is dysfunctional. They're stuck in the olden days, treating 26 year olds like children who cannot step out of the house without stating exactly where they're going and exactly when they're coming back. Who cannot decide who to get married to, who cannot go out on a date at night, who cannot be with who she likes. My family is dysfunctional. My parents stay together only because they think they should i believe. They dont love each other anymore. I"m not a kid but still it hurts, to see everything you thought was wasnt what you thought at all. It hurts when they say how they regret ever being together, when she says she wishes she could leave, when he says he doesnt care. It hurts when they don't notice my hurt, or they dont care to see my hurt. It hurts when i think about the future. When i think about my family, i used to think happy thoughts, now i dont want to think about my family.  I'm almost 21, never had a boyfriend, never been to a club, practiced abstinence my whole life, never did anyting wrong and still they treat me, they treat us like we are the worst kids in the entire galaxy, always comparing us to "other" kids, always complaining. I dont want to think about the future because i get depressed, i cry and it's not pretty. so now, after all these years, i found myself thinking, maybe real love doenst exist, maybe i shouldnt get married, maybe i'll never be happy. Maybe I should just let this life do whatever it wants to me. Maybe i can ignore that deep stabbing pain in my heart, maybe i can pretend my dreams are realitly, maybe i'll go crazy, maybe, all these maybees, these stupid maybess, maybe i should stop thinking, maybe........

I've given up. I'm done. happiness is overrated. I have none. i'm so sad. it feels so bad. no one knows me. butt  i  cant change who i am to be who they want me to be. I'm sad. i wish i wasn't. i like him, i wish i didn't. i dont deserve him, and i'll never have him. I'll never have anyone.  life is disappointing  it lets me down. i let me down. i feel empty, hopeless, ravaged. i feel gone. my heart isnt here, where did it go? i feel stressed. i feel less. i feel anxious, i  feel beat down, i feel numb, i feel dumb.  i'm fighting with my mind. Its gone against me. what can i do? please tell me? can you feel me dying? do you see me crying? i'm bleeding out on the inside. please save me. Who will save me? can't you see? There's no one left in me. cant' you see? i'm screaming for help. can't you hear? Dont let it be too late. please someone save me. Don't let me go. Don't let me go. don't let me go. 

I like having a purpose in life, right now i dont have a purpose. I'm not doing anything. I'm stuck and i dont konw how to break free. What can i do? My life is going from bad to worse. I have no one to talk you and so i write. No one knows how i feel. I feel like no one i have in my life understands depression. If i said i was depressed, they would laugh awkwardly because they just dont understand it. I dont understand it myself. One minute i'm fine, the next i'm flooded by these awful feelings of dread, hopelessness, like a black cloud covers up my whole perception of life. I'm a kid, well not kid anymore, more like a young lady now. I should be out enjoying my life, i should be happy. but as much as i try, i just cannot seem to be able to do it. I find myself crying myself to sleep. last week i was so desperate to talk to someone, to explain my situation that i actually looked up a depression hotline and almost called . I know that it's not my fault but i feel pathetic. I try to see the good in my life, but everytime i admit i have some good in my life too, everytime i try to look at the positive aspects of life, it's like someone/something comes around and takes it away. i cant think positively anymore, i just can't. All i think about is what i'm not, what i could be, what i should've been. I'm tired and i'm tired. Waking up everyday to the same thing is tearing me apart. i need help but i dont know how to ask. At least writing this helps a little. talking to myself always helps, but i wish i had someone to talk to. the truth is i'm lonely, and i just want to be happy.

how can i go on when everything feels wrong?
how can i go on when the day is so long?
i dream of love
i dream of life
i dream of everything i cannot have
to end the pain i'd give up all my worldly gains
i'd give anything for joy and I to become friends
cause life is smothering me
life is defeating me
i'm bound by sadness
waiting for a day to be set free
for someone to free me from this madness
but how can i go on when i've never been strong?
how can i go on?
in this world i dont belong.

( i write poems to say how i feel all day, every day, i love this site for letting me write and express myself. thanks for reading.

I just read my first blog written in 2010 and i almost cried. i almost cried because i still feel the same way. I'm still confused/sad/and lonely. I'm still fat and tired of it. though i recently signed up for america's best weight loss website. I dont know how i got this bad. I used to be pretty, at least i think so. i'm not old, i'm just getting out of my teen years. when i was a kid, boys seemed to think i was cute, they always followed me around, sometimes i liked it, sometimes i didnt. they would say that i'm pretty but i never believed them. i kind of miss that, them following me around that is because now they dont even look at me twice. it breaks my heart, now i dont even feel worthy of a guy looking at me.  i'm my biggest critic, i hate myself, i'm depressed and what do you know, no one in my family knows. i cry all the time during the night, i ask God to help me find myself again, to find love, to find happiness. but everyday i wake up, it's the same. i sit on the couch and i cry on the inside because my family's there on the outside i smile. I'm glad i found this site because ive been so lonely lately. I just want to express myself so someone knows what i'm feeling, what i'm going through, to know i'm not alone. I'm not looking for attention, i just need companionship. if you're reading this, thanks for reading. I'm glad i can now share my thoughts.  

I feel so alone yet I'm surrounded by family. I don't think anyone understands me. I'm so tired of living sometimes. I don't get why I'm so depressed all the time. There's no reason to be really. Maybe it's my teenage hormones, maybe it's something more serious who knows? I cry in my room by myself in the dark almost every single night. During the day, I pretend to be someone I'm not. I try to be the smily girl my friends seem to like. Every day I wake up, I don't know why, I don't feel like there's anything to look forward to in my life. I'm tired of looking like I do, thinking like I do, and feeling like I do. I'm kinda smart, I think I was smarter when I was a child but I'm still a bit smart, it's the only good thing about me really. You see, I'm really overweight, sometimes when people are not near me I don't feel like I am, but when I'm close to say a crowd of people, I start looking at myself in a whole new light. I feel so ashamed of the way I look. My parents try to make me feel like I have a decent body sometimes, other times, when they're mad at me, they start saying things like " You shouldn't sit down so much, You are taking too much space, things like that. They don't think it hurts me, they think when they say things like that it motivates me to work out but it hurts like hell, that's mostly why I cry all the time. I do exercise, I like exercising, I went to the gym today, had a great workout, I play basketball, and soccer with my friends, I still don't lose weight. I'm tired of feeling like people judge me mostly by the way I look, not by who I am, what I like, What I feel. Sometimes, I wonder if this thing I'm going through is just a phase, but it's been five years now I've felt this way and i don't think it's gonna change anytime soon.